In the most general of senses, Im largely tone deaf when it comes to picking up signals from women.
Ive been known to respond That sounds good when asked by a frustrated girl at a bar, Arent you supposed to ask me out to dinner or to get drinks sometime? (Shockingly, that relationship didnt last long.)
Ive answered texts incorrectly, misread tone through email, thought a girl couldnt stand me when she actually liked me and, more often, the exact opposite.
It should come as no surprise then that dealing with female bartenders is a complete mind-fuck for me.
How are you supposed to be able to discern the difference between genuine affection and interest, and the affected air of someone looking to make money off your tips?
When does it cross the line in your favor? And what do you need to do in order to get it there?
Luckily for you, I happen to have done some research.
A friend of mine (lets call her Donna, because no one my age is named that, so its clearly fake) is an attractive bartender.
Donnas been hit on and done the hitting on shes seen what works, and, more importantly, what definitely doesnt.
These arent one-size-fits-all guidelines from her, to be sure, but theyre a lot more usefulthan going in thereblind.
Here are the dos and donts of hitting on your scorching hot neighborhood bartender:
Do:
Be aware of who else shes talking to at the bar, how much time shes spending with them and how much shes laughing at your jokes as opposed to others.
Some bartenders (just like some real-life women!) are naturally gregarious people. Meaning:They laugh at things people say with relative frequency and ease. Others, not so much.
If the woman youre talking toseems to be paying you an inordinate amount of attention and laughing at your jokes more than normal (you know, obviouslyflirtatious signs) its a good start.
Not the whole ball game, but a good start.
Dont:
Look.
Seriously, try your best not to stare at this gorgeous, drink-serving specimen. I mean, I get it. Its tough. Hell, I spend most of my waking moments out with women trying to not look.
But I cant stress this enough: just because shes wearing an outfit that could at best be described as skimpy, and at worst, wildly indecent, it doesnt mean you have the full right to stare at her chest.
In the words of Dave Chappelle, just because shes dressed a certain way, doesnt mean she is that way. Have some class.
Respect the hustle of a bartender and what shes up against, and do her the courtesy of not ogling. Trust me, itll be noticed. And it will help.
Do:
Ask specific questions like you would on a normal date or when trying to get to know ANYONE else.
Ask about her family, friends, passions and hobbies. Get to know the girl outside of her outfit, her joband what tequila she prefers.
And under no circumstances should you ask her if this is her main job.
Even if it is which, frankly, is awesome, since a lot of bartenders netmore money than I make this isan astonishingly insulting question. And its one that is asked way more often than you think.
Dont:
Be sloppy.
Alot of times, the haze of alcohol provides confidence that things are going better than they are. Reality: they arent.
Shes seen all kinds of drunken messes belly up to her bar likely, theres been several that very evening.
Thats work to her.This shouldnt be. So hold your liquor, homie.
Do:
Ask if shell do a shot with you.
Not because youre a drunk, or youre trying to get her drunk. Do it because it will give you a sense if shes actually enjoying your company. If she buys the shot, even better.
My personal suggestion: Suggest something light, so it doesnt seem like youre just trying to get her sauced.
Dont:
Ask for her number by saying something like, Youre really hot, can I have your number?
Thats idiotic, patronizing and objectifying. If you seriously cant do better than that, just go home and drink by yourself.
I dont care how lonely that sounds.
Do:
Wait until the end of your night to ask for her digits. If it fails (and it might), at least you wont have any more awkwardness to endure.
And dobe direct. Find a common interest throughout your conversations, and then make that the point of your asking (Since we both like music, I was wondering if youd like to go to a show with me sometime).
Dont:
Ask her to hang out that night or after her shift. It gives the not-so-subtle impression youre only about hooking up.
And while that may be both of your intentions, have the decency to at least not be so blunt about it.
Do:
Ask to go on a proper date.
Just because the environment is filled with alcohol and drunkenness and push-up bras doesnt mean you should be any less of a gentleman than you would be if you met a girl at the library.
This is a decent society (for the most part). Act accordingly.
Dont:
Try to get her number or ask her on a date and then leave less than a 20 percent tip.
This seems obvious, but its worth stating. Youre not buying her affections, but if shes already bought you a few drinks (a good sign), dont be a stingy douche.
Frankly, unless you find her (or any server, for that matter) spitting in your drink, tip at least 20 percent. Dont be a schmuck they live off that money.
All in all, like most things, the answer here is fairly straightforward: Treat this womanlike you would any other femalein any other situation.
Be polite and engaging, look for signals, try to be direct and have some courage. And, most importantly, tip well.
And dont stare.
Gods speed.