This piece was written by the people who run the Cracked Store to tell you about products that are being sold there.
Getting a solid job nowadays is a crapshoot. We’re constantly told things like “Just do what you’re passionate about, and things will allllllll work out, man!” or “Stay in school! People love to know that you spent your 20s studying 19th-century British fiction.” But neither of these is a surefire method. The truth is, surviving in our ever-shrinking labor market means evolving to match its needs. So it certainly wouldn’t hurt to take a look at one of these helpful online professional courses. (And the Cracked Dispensary!)
A mug with a mugshot is clever, but a mug with Indiana Jones’ mugshot is pure poetry. Start your day by staring into the very handsome face of danger, and remember that no matter how bad your job might suck now, at least you probably won’t run into any Nazis or snakes. (Apologies to all of you snake-wrangling Nazi hunters. We salute you.)
Logan was a great film, but the deluge of superhero media these days often makes us miss the era when Tim Burton ruled the caped landscape with a Gothic iron fist. What if it was still that way? Bask in the curiosity that is Tim Burton’s X-Men with this coffee mug. Featuring Helena Bonham Carter as Professor X and Michael Keaton as, well, probably still Batman.
Nothing gets the body going and the juices pumping quite like a warm shot of espresso at sunrise. Sorry, did we say espresso? We meant “hot shot of laser blast.” Pop culture’s greatest bounty hunters have merged together to form the ultimate predator, and he’s coming for you. You can’t run. You can’t hide. But you can drink coffee from this mug, and hey, that’s something.
eLearnExcel Microsoft Excel School: Lifetime Subscription
Spreadsheets are more than just endless canvasses for blocky artwork — some businesses wouldn’t even exist if it weren’t for Microsoft’s bundle of squares that we know as Excel. And you can learn how to save those businesses from bankruptcy with this lifetime subscription to eLearnExcel. Get it here for $39.
Project Management Professional (PMP) Certification Training
For some, leadership comes naturally. Take your William Wallaces, your FDR’s, your Freds from Scooby Doo. They all knew how to properly guide a team. But there’s no shame in realizing when you need help learning how to be a manager. Grab this Project Management Professional Certification Training here for $49.99. Because seriously, once you learn how to delegate tasks like a professional, you’ll never have to lift a finger again! Think of all the time you’ll have to plan your next step up the career ladder!
Adobe CC Essentials Training Bundle
If there’s one thing AI can’t replace, it’s creativity (at least for now). So until the bots start a sweet, sweet improv group, the creative arts is a pretty safe place to hone your skills. You can learn Photoshop to become a professional memesmith, use Premier to edit videos for your eating challenge YouTube channel, and craft the world’s most needle-moving corporate graphic identity with Illustrator. Pick up this Adobe Creative Cloud training bundle for 97 percent off.
Ethical Hacking Bootcamp
Think of it this way: Learning how to break into computer networks and make viruses for boring, law-abiding businesses is just a stepping stone toward becoming a crime-fighting mastermind. And even if you don’t make it as Mr. Robot, you’ll still make tons and tons of cash along the way. Learn to hack “ethically” with this online boot camp, available here for $45.
The Swift 3 Master Coder Bundle
Apps are like programs on a computer, but smaller, so they fit on your phone! But unless you just stumbled through a time portal from 1907, you probably already knew that. So if you are from 2017, then just know that Apple’s Swift language will teach you how to write all the tiny code for these tiny apps. And if you aren’t from 2017, get ready to warp back to your cowboy friends and rave about the glories of the magical “Lyft.” Get it here for $36.
Pay What You Want: 2017 WordPress Hero Bundle
Social media has created an arguably terrible system of communication wherein people say much less, but do it considerably faster. WordPress can help you relive the glory days, when people expressed their opinions in paragraphs instead of all-caps hate speech and crotch shots. WordPress also plays host to a frightening amount of the sites on the world wide web, making this course all the more vital. Pay what you want for this WordPress Hero Bundle.
Full-Stack Marketer Bundle
Starting a business can be terrifying, and your immediate impulse might be to buy as many ads as you can get for the best rates that you can get them for. You gotta spend money to make money, right? Well, it turns out that business is slightly more complicated than anything you can print on an inspirational poster. If you want to hock wares at light speed, you’re going to have to get schooled on SEO, copywriting, analytics, and email marketing. Become a full-stack marketer with this bundle for $19.
Lead me to riches and glory!
Easy, War Boy from Fury Road. Turn it down a notch and we’ll help you out. You can get all of these great bundles, mugs, and more at the Cracked Dispensary and the Cracked Store, just by clicking on the links. But remember, it’s not enough to just take a course and buy a mug to get hired. You might want to print out a resume or two, Captain Go-Getter.