Southern Charm Recap: How Dumb Are These People?

And were back. I myself am fresh off of writing a rant about a fucking Oreo bagel, so apologies in advance if this is extra heated.

Cameran informs us that she and Shep are officially working together, even though theyve been officially working together for like, the past 3 episodes. Thats all I care to comment on re: the intro. I’m a little over the narration, tbh. This show is not that deep; we really don’t need a “here’s what you missed” before every single episode.

Craig and Naomie have not made any moves in the unpacking department. Theyre slowly becoming the most relatable people on the show.

Craig: Theres a lot of people who say monogamy is bullshit, but when you meet the right person you dont just run away form them.

Dr. Love over here.

Craig gives Naomie the promise ring which tbh looks like any old ring youd find at a thrift store. Way to set the tone for the relationship. So Craigs method of giving it is to put the ring in a box with a bunch of his watches and be like, because he didnt want to give her a ring box and give her the wrong idea. Which I guess makes sense, but is still like, pretty lame.

Wow Craig is a huge softie. He tells Naomie he thinks JD is going to make him the head of the bourbon division and shes like, Or is life really crushing Craig? TBD.

Cam pulls up to Sheps place, where he is making breakfast at 1pm. What a champion.

Cam: Im sure Shep got wasted after his party last night

Shep taking shots of Goldschlager and visibly and audibly gagging like the fucking freshman he is. GET IT TOGETHER, SHEP.

Shep: The only think Im feeling is a little hungover but what else is new?

You get a reluctant same for that comment, Shep.

Shep and Cam are talking about the Kathryn thing and Cam talks about how she doesnt wanna meet up and Sheps like Clearly Shep does not get that the high road =/= what makes people happy. Hence why its called the high road in the first place.

Shep: Its just so much easier to say yes than no. I keep telling girls that.

My brother, whos making another appearance in our little recap: That makes you a rapist.

I won’t go that far, but I will say that it’s DEFINITELY not a good look, bro. Especially considering you JUST apologized last week for telling the world that Bailey is DTF, you should probably keep all comments about women to yourself. BTW, I can’t confirm that I was the one who brought about Shep’s apology, but I also can’t deny it, so basically, women of the world: you are welcome.

Back at Kathryns, our fave redhead swallows her pride and calls her archnemesis-for-no-reason, Elizabeth.

Kathryn: I did distance myself from Elizabeth because her husband is JD and its as simple as this: JD is Thomass best friend.

I mean this makes sense given that Kathryn, as I just found out, is 23 years old and therefore unaware that adults like Elizabeth and JD are in fact capable of acting like adults.

Back at the house Cam and Shep are showing, it is clear Shep knows jack shit about selling houses. Honestly, why did he agree to this at all? Also, what does Shep do for a living when hes not pretending to sell real estate? How do any of these people make money, actually?

Shep: Real estate isnt brain surgery. Its basically personality-driven. And lucky for me I have plenty of that.

Shep takes control of the appointment and tries to contradict Cam and set the price for the house IN FRONT OF THE BUYER. Im not even a real estate agent; Ive only watched a few episodes of , but even I can tell thats a big no-no. Geez, Shep.

OK Landon has the same type of dog I used to have so shes now skyrocketing up in my favor. RIP Klondike.

Anyway, Landons big plan is to go with the online magazine. Magazines: a true moneymaker in the year 2016. Not an oversaturated market at all. But shes going up to NY to meet with a friend who does this kind of thing anyway. Landons dad is like, No, dad. They don’t sell preppy shit in New York. Gosh.

Craig goes to meet with JD and honestly I feel like JD talks like a gruff 1920s fat cat who just chain-smokes cigars all day and calls everyone sonny. Idk if Im totally off-base here but I dont think I am, at least. Craigs big assignment is to send out emails to people. Uh, can I work here? Apparently Danni has been in the liquor buying/selling business for 15 years, which I dont believe because she looks 25 TOPS. I guess South Carolina has lax labor laws, who knows? Also, to prove that she really knows her shit, they have a flashback to Danni opening some wine for Thomas and she uses a corkscrew and Thomas is like, Seriously?

Kathryn rolls up to JD and Elizabeths house where her three children are all dressed like matching extras. Cant lie, it is very cute.

Oh, this is so tense. Its uncomfortable. Elizabeth is classy AF and immediately calls Kathryn out but in a classy way like, but her voice is so gentle and soothing you just want to tell her all your problems.

Kathryn admits she pulled a Stassi and just cut people out of her life left and right. Elizabeth is like, and I might cry. Why is she so nice? Can I adopt her as my older sister? Ive got room for an aunt. YALL, I CANT HANDLE THESE SENTIMENTAL MOMENTS.

Oh thank god, commercial break.

Shep goes to Thomass house where Thomas explains theyre going to paint a mural on his white picket fence. What a weirdo. Im getting some Huck Finn vibes. Thomas eats at Jimmy Johns. This is shocking me more than it should.

Thomas and Shep clearly have nothing in common and this interaction was clearly so forced just so they could have a vehicle to talk shit about Kathryn. Apparently Kathryn lashed out at Thomas (shocker) because she was upset she wasnt invited to Shep’s party.

Thomas: When Kathryn gets upset and stressed, all the blood goes to her brain and oxygens not going to the baby.

Im gonna have to fact-check this one and get back to you. Even Shep is like,

Landon meets with the head of Vox Media who she just casually knows and now I am jealous AF. Gonna start praising TF outta Landon in these recaps. Cant wait to be your +1 at Patricia’s next party, girl!

Landon is kind of all over the place with her pitch of this magazine. Also shes definitely describing, word for word, a magazine I used to work at. I CAN HOOK YOU UP. But also, and probably more importantly, you should probs find a new enterpreneurial venture because the thing you’re trying to create already exists.

So Lockhart Steele, head of Vox Media and not, as his name suggests, star of the porn version of , is like,

Landon: Like you know, the artstravelartsart?

So that meeting didnt go well. Is it time to go shopping yet?

Cams having a bloody Mary in the middle of the day #spiritanimal, and Whitney and Shep join her. Craigs harassing them about a bourbon tasting.

Cam: I can get why bourbon research is more appealing to Craig than law research.

Cameran, telling it like it is. Shep is trying to get them to go on some vacation.

Shep: We can go hiking

Cameran: I dont hike.

This place is also 4.5 hours away and Cameran and Whitney want to fly there. Bless their hearts. Also right away theyre like,

Whitney says Kathryn is not his fucking cup of tea. Are you SURE about that, Whitney? Interesting use of the word fucking, is all Im sayin.

This bourbon event looks kind of shitty. They dont even have real labels yet, just mockups. Is this amateur hour or what??

Craig: This place is legit. Theres all these contraptions and barrels and stuff

Meanwhile Craigs telling people hes going to be head of the bourbon division while hes like and

Craig is stepping on major toes and says to JD, Spoken like a true jealous wife.

Even Shep is like

Also is it just me or does Craig seem wasted? This is while theyre like

Also Craig and his friends DEEEEFFFF pregamed this shit because Camerans like That is actually a direct quote. Yooooo my hand hurts from all the face-palming I just did. Yikes.

So JD actually really knows his shit and Craig and everyone else is just here to get crunk. I mean, I can’t say I don’t act exactly the same way, but I can say that when I drink vodka sodas I don’t pretend to be a vodka connoisseur who is going to lead Absolut’s vodka division or whatever.

Craig is asking Danni what the difference is between bourbon and rye and hes like Hey Craig, have you ever heard of something called Google?

Danni is like, You can tell Craig’s world was rocked by this statement.

Craig: I get what Dannis saying but Im smart as shit.

But like, not smart enough to do some cursory fucking internet research on the industry you want to manage? Okay. At least he’s hot though.

After the tasting Craig and Shep have a drunken heart-to-heart.

Craig: I thought I was part of the team but I dont even have an assigned seat. I feel like Im in middle school.
This whole episode feels like I’m in middle school.

At the same time, three feet away, JD is literally offering Danni a job as VP of the bourbon division which is REALLY FUCKING SHITTY TO DO. Like, you cant set up a private meeting for that? Come on JD, Im disappointed in you.

Meanwhile Shep is doing a very accurate Landon impression.

Shep *impersonating Landon*: I have an idea! La la la!

Damn, spot-on.

Craig is confronting JD and Danni about the bourbon thing. Ohhh Lord. I am so uncomfortable.

Poor Craig. JD is letting him down kinda gently but it is SO brutal. JD talking Craig down is like, when you have to tell a little kid they’re not tall enough to ride the roller coaster at Six Flags. Like, Not spoken from true experience or anything.

Wait, did Craig just tell his boss he doesnt like him? Thats like, probably not a great business strategy.

Oh this is so awkward. Now Craig has to tell Naomie that he basically blew smoke up his own ass and this bourbon thing was never happening. Naomie is visibly very pissed and is about to cry, and this reaction is kind of making me suspicious of her motives. Like, why is she more visibly upset than Craig is? Is she a gold digger? Is she just wildly trusting of Craig? Will Craig ever learn what bourbon actually is? Stay tuned until next time, I guess, when none of these questions are answered.

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